Softness is a Superpower
I first learned the term “Soft Eyes” in the horse world. But as with most horsey things, it applies to the human world as well.
In our busy, hectic, modern world, we tend to go through life with Hard Eyes—a single point of laser focus—narrow, direct, and purposeful. In nature, it’s the gaze of the predator, zeroing in on its prey. In humans there is a time and place for it, but it was never meant to be our default setting.
When we live with Hard Eyes, we are hyper-vigilant. We are always looking for threats, always trying to solve problems, always doubling down when the going gets rough. This state of laser focus puts our nervous systems into a “fight or flight” response. It is exhausting. It leaves us depleted, anxious, and—worst of all—cut off from our own creativity.
Martha Beck says that when we are in a state of anxiety, the creative parts of our brain literally stop functioning. We can’t find the answers to what ails us because we are staring too hard at the problem. Michael Singer calls the same thing “drowning face down in an inch of water.”
The way forward is through the practice of Soft Eyes.
This is how a horse sees the world. They are aware of what is right in front of them, but they are equally attuned to the periphery—to everything surrounding them. This allows the horse to “know” something that the human isn’t even yet aware of.
Soft eyes in the rider allow for a Soft Stance. On a horse, this softness allows you to move with the animal when it spooks, rather than being thrown.
I learned this the hard way. Over a decade ago, during one of my first cabalgatas, I was full of hardness. I was stiff, anxious, and clenching the reins for dear life. As we were all riding out of the rodeo ring where we had gathered, my mare, Luna, saw something she didn’t like, she spun—and before I knew it, I was sitting in the dust in my white shirt, cowboy hat still on, reins still in my hand, wondering what had happened.
Yesterday, I took Luna out for a ride after a few weeks off. She was full of energy—livianita. She was light on her feet and ready to move.
As we headed out the dirt road toward the trails, a massive white water tanker loomed into view as it came around the corner, hissing and popping. Luna wasn’t having it. She spun on her hind legs with a move a barrel racer would envy, intent on fleeing back to the ranch.
But this time, I wasn’t wearing my “hard eyes.” I didn’t clench. I didn’t fight her energy with my own stiffness. Softly, but firmly, I guided her. We danced with the spook rather than being unseated by it. We found a spot to pull off, the driver waved, grinning at the spectacle, and we continued our ride.
It can be easy to think of softness as fragile or passive—weak. It isn’t.
Softness is a superpower.
It is where we operate from our center. It allows us to move with the “spooky horses” of life—the unexpected arguments, the sudden stresses, the shifts in the path—rather than being thrown by them.
Tomorrow, Sunday, May 10th (Mother’s Day), we are gathering online for our monthly Take the Reins session at 10:00 AM PT.
We are going to explore this idea of Soft Eyes. We’ll look at how to move from predator-focus to a meandering, “marinading” way of being—one that allows your creativity to come back online.
Whether you’re a rider or have never touched a horse in your life, this practice is for you. It’s about communication—not just with a horse, but with yourself.
