The Year of the Horse: Reclaiming Agency

It was a wonderful Christmas—perhaps the best in a long time. The reason was simple: Connection. I felt capable of truly connecting with the people around me, rather than just being physically present in the same space. It was the transition from simply "surviving" a holiday to actually "inhabiting" it. I was actually there.

I am certain the shift started within. I was present to myself, which finally allowed me to be present with others. For the past several years, I felt a need to stay defended, hidden, and protected. I had been maintaining a front—a protective layer that kept me slightly removed, like the "boy in the bubble." It wasn't that I perceived my family and friends as threats; rather, it felt as though I had established a boundary with the world in general. As though life itself somehow were a threat.

This year, seemingly ‘out of nowhere,’ the walls finally came down. Just like that. Dropping the pretense allowed me to simply be in the moment, responsive to whatever unfolded. I realize now that my lack of presence wasn't necessarily because I was seeking to be loved or looking for approval; it was that I was trying to hide in plain sight. I was busy deflecting, ensuring I wasn't truly seen.

But this year, I allowed myself to be present. I allowed myself to be seen. The thing is—if you don’t let yourself be seen, how can you be known? And if you don’t let yourself be known, how can you be loved?

A week before Christmas, during a meeting with my mentor Neal Allen, I was describing what felt like a new sense of presence. He asked me a piercing question: “What caused the shift?”

I had been describing a new sense of vitality, as if a stagnant river had suddenly begun to flow freely after years of going nowhere. I told him I wasn't sure if it was one specific thing. Instead, it feels as though many small, perhaps insignificant pieces finally built enough momentum to move the blockages. I considered his question—was it my morning 15 minutes of silence, this regular practice of writing, or even starting to go to the gym?

“Maybe it was the gym,” I said to him.

The irony being, of course, that we’ve been meeting together for close to two years around the theme of dismantling the inner critic, and my answer was a hesitant suggestion of going to the gym. The gym, of course, wasn't the "fix"—but it was part of a deeper decision: a decision to move toward agency, to take the reins of my life.

By committing to the practice of helping the body to grow stronger, I was proving to myself that I could actually take action and see tangible results from it. I was no longer passively sitting by watching the "stagnant river." I was taking practical, tangible action. And somehow, not entirely of my own doing, the river began to flow again.

Or, to use another metaphor (also a real thing!) I wasn’t just sitting on the horse going where she led me—I was taking the reins. Not to dominate the horse, but to actively engage in our partnership together. I was slowly shifting from being a ‘passenger’ to my own life, to finding agency. And what I was finding is that sense of agency builds its own momentum—when you reclaim power in one area, it inevitably spills over into others.

With this agency has come a feeling of being “filled in.” It sounds strange, I know, but I’m not sure how else to describe it. It is the feeling that the source, the strength, the vitality, is coming from within, rather than a sense of protection coming from some sort of outer walls.

Over the past few weeks, I have received a number of messages from people making sure that I know that 2026 is the Year of the Horse. I love it! What a perfect metaphor.

As I look toward this new year, I feel a sense of momentum building. This process of moving from a passenger to a rider—from surviving to inhabiting—has been taking shape in my mind lately. I am not entirely sure what it will look like. But I do know that the first step is an exploration of this idea of reclaiming agency, of taking the reins as we head into the new year.

Do you want to join me in the journey?