The Engaged Rein: why ‘fixed’ is actually free

About two decades ago, while training for my first marathon, I discovered something surprising—and a bit disturbing—about how I viewed my own life. I have always aimed to be someone who appreciates nuance, who values the gray between the black and white, and who is willing to see things from every possible angle. In my mind, "nuance" was the ultimate good, and its opposite was "fundamentalism"—a word I used to describe anything rigid, unyielding, or fixed.

But as the miles added up, I realized I had misdiagnosed myself. I wasn't a fundamentalist; I was someone beginning to understand the value of an engaged rein.

In marathon training, I had a plan. It removed the debate. It didn't make me narrow-minded; it made me capable. Fast forward twenty years, and I see the same truth in my morning gym routine. Knowing tomorrow is a gym morning makes everything easier. I don’t have to waste energy hemming and hawing. The "fixed" nature of the schedule provides the "freedom" from the exhaustion of choice.

Years ago at a film festival Seder meal, I heard a rabbi speak about the scriptures. Someone was trying to debate a passage with him, suggesting it might be more convenient to leave a difficult section out. The rabbi answered quickly: “It is fixed. That is what makes it free.”

I thought my "loose rein" approach to life was the definition of liberty. I was wrong.

I see this in riding all the time. Many riders insist on a "loose rein" because they don’t want to be "mean" or domineering. It is a noble intention—to be kind and responsive. However, as horseman Mark Rashid often says, sometimes being "too nice" can be as hard on the horse as being "too mean."

A loose, floppy rein provides no information. When the rein is loose, the horse has to be hyper-vigilant because they feel they are in charge of everything—of their own safety. They are left to guess, wandering in a vacuum of leadership. It is the "engaged rein" (not too tight, not too loose) that provides the horse with clarity and intention. When the rein is engaged, the horse feels that they aren't in this alone. They recognize they have a capable partner, meaning they no longer have to carry the burden of being in charge. They can finally stop scanning the horizon for danger and simply relax into the work.

Lately, I’ve realized that I often fall for the "loose rein" fallacy in my own life and relationships. It’s a mistake many of us make when we confuse a lack of directness with kindness.

We think we are being flexible or easy-going, but what we are actually creating is a lack of clarity. When the reins are dropped, someone still has to manage the space.

When the rein is loose in a partnership, one person inevitably becomes the horse scanning the horizon. They become hyper-vigilant because they don't know if they have a partner who is truly "engaged" with the plan. They are left carrying the burden of being in charge because the structure—the "fixed" points—have been abandoned in the name of not being "too direct."

This is why "fixed" is free. When we commit to clarity we aren't being rigid. We are being kind. We are allowing our partners, or our employees or coworkers, and ourselves to stop scanning the horizon and start doing the creative, meaningful work we were meant to do.

Martha Beck suggests that anxiety prevents creativity, but creativity crowds out anxiety. When we have an engaged rein, we free up that vigilant energy for more productive uses.

An engaged rein is not a "tight rein." A tight rein is rigid and unyielding; it is a dead weight. An engaged rein, on the other hand, is alive. It is fixed in its purpose, but it remains responsive and sensitive to the moment.

The solution to the chaos of life isn't dropping the reins; it’s picking them up with a soft, steady hand. Whether it’s a gym schedule, a spiritual practice, or the way we lead our animals, the "fixed" points are the anchors that allow us to drift safely in the current. It is fixed, and that is exactly what makes us free.

As we move toward the New Year (the Year of the Horse!) I’ve been thinking a lot about how to bring more clarity to the reins of my own life going forward into the new year. Would you like to join me?

The first step starts on Sunday, January 4th at 10am. I’d love for you to join me.